Nancy and I were sitting outside having our lunch on a gloriously sunny day. At some point she leaned over conspiratorially and whispered "Denise, how long have you been single now?" After giving it some thought I replied that it must have been about 4 or 5 years now. "That long?" she gasped. "But how are you dealing with stress without a man?" I thought that it was quite a strange question and commented that I didn't need a man right now. "No, but how are you dealing with things in...you know...the bedroom?" Again the question confused me. I had nothing to deal with in my bedroom! "Denise, do I have to spell it out for you? How are you, you know, relieving pressure?" I finally caught on. "Oh! Gosh, I...um...oh!" I stammered. Nancy gave me a pitying look. "You should get yourself a vibrator. I have one for when Frank isn't around and it sure helps! But don't go for a cheap one! They are just nasty and stop working after a few uses." I was sure that by now I was blushing so much that. ”“Oh. Right. I’ll get you another. This makes three, Mike. Maybe you should consider a lanyard.”I didn’t want to tell Peter the truth. Rufus had found my lost Smartphone in plain sight on the coffee table. Being the considerate puppy he was, he’d tested it to make sure it was working. Gorilla Glass didn’t live up to its hype; it couldn’t withstand a teething Labrador Retriever.“I’ll think about a lanyard. What’s up?” I asked my fickle assistant.“I got a call. Ryan Reynolds’ agent called. Ryan’s interested in playing Cory in the lead role.”“How the hell are they getting my script? I haven’t even finished it.”There was a guilty silence at the other end.“Peter, stop handing it out!”“But it’s Ryan Reynolds!” he shot back. “Do you have any idea how hot he is right now? We could play Ryan off against Chris and lower the fee.”The sound of silence was loud. “So that’s a ‘no’ for Ryan?” he asked.I sighed. Peter was, despite his recalcitrance, an enthusiastic fan of my work. “Tell the agent.
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